To All the Men I Loved Before

Poorly original title
But so crystal and to the point
When you really want to say how much you loved
And were loved
So let me move on with the above title;
To be turned emotionally, physically, intellectually
By a person you love
Shakes you up and makes you experience this incredible shiverring sensation,
This incredible presence of butterflies in your stomach-
In Polish these butterflies are called Paziowie Krolowej.
I miss those loves, these dopamine sensations from a human kind
When nothing is difficult, complicated, misunderstood or sedated

The men I loved before were like flowers and with the flowers stay memories.
I look at the flowers, I bring them home, and I recall every year, month, weak, minute with the man I loved before.

JJ was oriental with thick blond hair and eyebrows duplicating each other,
He had strong girls on his mind, sexually liberated, untamed,
He found one: a beautiful, artistically talented;
They dated for 3 years and I suffered in each corner of potential glimpse of hugs, kissess, prolonged walks home without worry about homework
JJ was a cactus, poorly ingrown into the Polish soil and climate. And I had no chance to say anything. I had to”sufer” in silence. I graduated from the High School and went on into the Medical School.

I was totally inflatuated by my Professor of Anatomy. Under no circumstances it was materializing, I did not want to intervene with his life, I just wanted to express how much I respected his presence in my life.
So here is a poem/song performed at the skid wrapping up our first year in the medical school:
Zdus namietnosc swa szalona, zdus powazny, nagly flirt
Nie che zostac twoja zona, chce bys tylko ze mna byl
Twoje oczy sa wzruszone, a mnie piers faluje, drzy,
Twoje dlonie wydelikacone, opatula moje sny,
Twoje serce jest w rozterce, a mnie lezka w oku lsni
Latwo zyc jest na pinesce, gorzej potem o tym snic
Kiedy chwytam sie tak chwili czuje weny pelny smak
I radosny lot motyla gluszy chwili krotki smak
Niech nastroje sa w poniewierce,
Niechaj zgina wreszczie sny,
A Ty chwytaj moje serce i swym rytmem nagraj rytm,
Graj w rytm walca lub foxtrota
Mnie potrzebny tylko rytm,
Ja juz jestem tylko Twoja, ja juz nie mam wiecej sil….

And then I met RH, tall, 10 years older, very well groomed, with polished mustache, and his own apartment, he loved to vacuum after every little mess

He was my first sex partner and his sex was boring, and I did not know much about it but somehow it was not working;
He was dissapearing a lot, and one day he dissapeared for good
If I had a chance to compare RH to a flower, it must have been a philodendron
Because philodendrons are very predictable if they have enough water and stay out of extreme temperature power.

Continue reading “To All the Men I Loved Before”


Sweatshops in America do exist,
These are assembly lines for physicians who are forced to practice
dehumanized patient care
We have In Basket in our Electronic Medical Record which is similar to In Cart when you shop for goods,
We have to click on these in-basket items to make them go away as if we paid for the product,
We have to type fast enough to claim financial incentive and every single note is based on copy and paste with the same assessment and plan
This practice is reinforced by administration who is looking for a bigger dollar sign from the federal incentive,
But guess what, docs do not have union and their representations really sucks because they are not powered by anybody and they are not protected by the union,
They live alone, making good money, but threatened by a law suit or revoking their license, by some unhappy flier,
I have been analyzing these stories and I am shocked that docs have no protection,
That if something goes wrong, they have to deal with this alone
This is the sweatshop mentality: You work in a poor conditions: small space with 2-3 full teaching services, dust everywhere, nonworking computers and printers, no bathroom.
So far, so not very good, as I am on the edge of being fired

The Vanpool Chief

I have a chief who is vanpooling
Life, colleagues, patients:
7 to 4, 8 to 5, or otherwise
You are a lost, noncompetent thug
Who does not know anything,
My vanpool chief is smart, energetic and tough,
But has no sense of life, and rolling sleeves when things do not look so bright is not his thing
My vanpool chief is a boy who got a new toy, and in the process of letting me go, still asks me if I like him;
The fundamental issue is that leadership jobs are frequently taken by young, dynamic but poorly socially skilled people, who are lost and sceared, and because of that
They target those who seem to be the most vulnarable and transparent,
Under no circumstances it excuses their behavior:
Abuse of power of any kind must not be accepted,
Leadership role is not a toy, it is a high priviledge and responsibility,
So, the vanpool chief may stay or go,
But it is not my thing to go back to the vanpool activity….

What Can I Say As a Mature Doc in the USA

The reality of being a physician in the USA
Has been becoming less and less compatible with dedication to patients and a normal personal life,
Commitment to the Hippocratic Oath = Primary “Do No Harm” has been overshadowed by a strictly business side
Young docs stay in charge of their typing skills to be fast enough
To produce predigested, preformed computer notes
Instead of taking care of their patients,
This structure makes no sense- it infiltrates human health
Like a venom of the cobra snake
Strong enough to kill
As the antidote is far away;
But, I still believe in intellectual and emotional power of all of us
Who came in conclusion they want to be docs in the USA,
Because this is the only place which still allows to practice medicine without corruption,
So, please let me say, stay strong all young, middle-aged and older docs in the USA!

Nights in Cali

The nights in Cali
Are beautiful and calm
With or without wine
The starry sky unfolds peaceful mind
There is no traffic, no brutality of high engine life
At home with the fire place, with the pets, with eyeglasses,
With the pen in my hand, with the scent of tuberose candle
I can wait for what life
Brings at the end
I miss my dad, I miss all creative, charismatic people
I have not met in person but I know their work,
And: the quiet nights in Cali are the solitude of peace
Of the known and unknown-
I am so grateful to live in this place-
My dreams came through,
I am so happy….

Thoughts for Tonight

At 59 I know how to live life,
A good life based on
Universal ethical code
How to resist predators-
Those strange creatures
Who are obsessed about
Putting you down
Who’s goal is to explode your role as a victim,
Or as some type of unfit personality.
I have not known until now that a human kind
May use vulnerability of a sister or a brother;
And so for now, this negative energy is spinning around my mind,
But with time, with analyzing, I will be fine.

Just Between Us in Polish

Paskudny kogut
Wdal sie w nasze zycie
Ten co nie krzyczy, nie spiewa
Ale piszczy z opuchnietego gardla,
Niszczy, zazdrosci z powodu
Zadufania, arrogancji obojetnosci
Na ludzkie spojnosci, sukcesy i zalamania
Paskudny kogut
Wydziera swoje piora
I robi sie coraz bardziej paskudny, bezwladny,
Zamkniety w swojej tozsamosci,
Wiec trzeba stwierdzic tak; “na pohybel zawisci i zazdrosci”

November, 21, 2017